needs something to look forward to. Without it, there's nothing
to keep us going. But there is a big drawback. As soon as it has
happened, you're back to square one. Even as it's happening, you
may begin to feel strange and wonder what that feeling is. I can
tell you what it is. It's the void creeping back and reminding you
you've got to come up with something else, fast, or you're going
All of my life I've had to
have something to look forward to, and it's a constant struggle
to replenish. It's exhausting, like laundry. As soon as it's done,
you're already into the next load. It used to be that I could
look forward to growing up. I hung onto that for as long as possible.
Even though I had a suspicion it would be
a let-down, I didn't really accept it until I was 30. That's when
it hit me: 30 more years to fill?
What you have to look forward to depends
on your frame of mind. When I'm in a relationship, it's getting
dressed up, looking pretty and seeing the person I'm in love with.
Or maybe it's having them see me. When I'm not in a relationship,
I'll look forward to getting out of my comatose depression.
I may find myself looking forward to a TV
show. But whenever that happens I think: that's all I have to
look forward to? A TV show? Then I get depressed all over again.
My friend Liza always makes sure she has
a date lined up. That gives her something to look forward to.
Once she is on the date, it's another story. Then she can look
forward to it ending.
Because my father lives so far away, I've
had talking to him and seeing him to look forward to. So last
week, I called him in Bali. I told him I was looking forward to
our trip to Italy. He said he was too. I told him I was looking
forward to us having some time together, face to face, to reconnect
and talk. "What are you looking forward to?" I asked.
He said he was looking forward to getting off the phone.
My friend Heather is in love and all she
can talk about is how much she's looking forward to the weekend,
looking forward to the evening, looking forward to lunch. Today
my lunch was a yoghurt and half a brownie. Sadly, I looked forward
to the brownie.
And then it was gone. Which is precisely
the problem. Now what do I have? My eyesight is deteriorating,
my skin is only going to get blotchier, my metabolism is slowing
down and my cholesterol is going up. I suppose I can look forward
to my next blood test.
I tried to think of more things today.
I looked forward to there being only a few
more hours before I could go to sleep. Oh, and my hair's getting
longer. That cheered me up for about 10 seconds. Then I remembered
as soon as that happens I'll have to book an appointment to get
Worst of all, I was working on a story about
someone who has just had his leg amputated. He said he was looking
forward to getting a prosthetic leg and going horse-riding. You'd
think that would put things in perspective - but it didn't. He
has something to look forward to and I don't. I felt even worse.
I think that the whole idea of looking forward
to something might be the problem. So from now on, I'll look forward
to nothing. That way, I won't feel let down.